My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I identify as an antique shop.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain