taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.