Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, 鈥淒o we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 馃槀
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
We have also removed your mother鈥檚 number from contacts because obviously you鈥檙e too busy to call her.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
THERAPIST: you鈥檙e always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
It鈥檚 like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”