cats when you pet them too long:
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.