Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.