Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.