We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?