A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie