I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
classic mixup
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.