Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.