It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.