My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.