I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
You Might Also Like
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
the dark web is just a goth google.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?