[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
seems fine
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.