Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My patience has stretch marks.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A small tragedy.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what