I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You Might Also Like
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.