[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me buying fruit and veg
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
This classic never gets old . . .
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.