[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
All is fair in drunk and war.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…