Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you鈥檙e gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
In case you鈥檙e having a bad day鈥here鈥檚 this.