first you must answer his riddles
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.