I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat