I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
You Might Also Like
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A completely valid reaction tbh
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*