LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR