Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
for all #parents out there
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Worth a try
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life