sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
bias laundering edition
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
How do you like your Corgi?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted