[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
what’s more important?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.