Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.