Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.