Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog ๐๐
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
โyouโre too pretty to be so sad.โ
aww well youโre too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
โGoddamn youโre so well put together I canโt wait to take you apartโ sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My friend says Iโm self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to โtake immediate actionโ so I bought a boat on Amazon. I donโt know I feel like they could be more specific.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Iโve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because youโve got work to do.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”