Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
had to share :’)
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home