Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️