[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time