[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice