A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
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bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without