Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.