[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Guys, I found it.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.