*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
She didn鈥檛 believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir鈥hat’s a parrot”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn鈥檛 you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman麓s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman麓s hat.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I鈥檝e just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I鈥檓 seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I saw this ending much differently.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I鈥檓 at my most superstitious when there鈥檚 no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it鈥檚 made from trees and I don鈥檛 want to jinx myself.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.