Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
subtitles are so good nowadays
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.