My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS