I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Oceanography is all about current events
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
repaired
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.