*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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i baked you a cake
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”