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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?