Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Worth a try
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁