Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
life finds a way
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Yup.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.