I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You Might Also Like
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”