“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You Might Also Like
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Put this video in the Louvre
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps