I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses