please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
You Might Also Like
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.