Smallpox sounds so adorable
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
me hitting on a model
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.