If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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live long and prosper!
Lol
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
#Caturday
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?